Seven seasons, 198 hats, one Frank Rossitano.

198. Thick


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(Episode 6-9)—No.

197. Wet To Activate

Wet To Activate

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(Episode 4-3)—Frank, no.

196. Ho Ho Horny

Ho Ho Horny

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(Episode 2-9)—NO, Frank. BAD.

195. Horny


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(Episode 3-1)—*Weeps softly* Why, Frank?

194. Horny


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(Episode 3-1)—Frank…

193. Rods


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(Episode 1-9)—Maybe he has a lot of friends named Rodrick.

192. Feet


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(Episode 6-6)—Absolutely not.

191. Feet


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(Episode 6-7)—I said no.

190. Squeeze It

Squeeze It

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(Episode 1-15)—I’ll assume he means ketchup bottles.

189. Lips


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(Episode 2-5)—Mine are frowning at this hat.

188. Shower Scene

Shower Scene

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(Episode 2-9)—As off-putting as the word “moist.”

187. Balls


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(Episode 2-4)—*Sighs.*

186. High Score

High Score

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(Episode 1-12)—The video game reference may be consistent with the essence of the character, but I crave more.

185. Arcade Champ

Arcade Champ

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(Episode 1-4)—I don’t doubt it.

184. 1,000,000 Points

1,000,000 Points

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(Episode 1-14)—Pointy!

183. Acoustic Demo

Acoustic Demo

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(Episode 5-4)—This feels very unFrank. Very unFrank indeed.

182. Wide and Tight

Wide and Tight

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(Episode 4-11)—What how.

181. VHS


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(Episode 3-16)—I’ll be honest. I can’t read that hat. I think it says VHS, but some internet sources say it reads VWD, which is a hereditary bleeding disorder. Both are upsetting, so let’s move on.

180. Seemiller Grip

Seemiller Grip

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(Episode 4-3)—Ping-Pong players know all the moves.

179. Rescue Team

Rescue Team

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(Episode 2-13)—Yes, I am sure that trucker hats are standard-issue uniform for most emergency workers.

178. E.S.P. Tutor

E.S.P. Tutor

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(Episode 1-8)—If Frank’s oversized spectacles weren’t enough to indicate his extra-sensory intelligence, now he has a hat to prove it.

177. Kill Screen

Kill Screen

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(Episode 2-1)—Brb, renaming my punk band.

176. Coool As Ice

Coool As Ice

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(Episode 1-16)—The third O! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

175. Mystery Solver

Mystery Solver

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(Episode 1-19)—Because the word “detective” is so overdone.

174. Alabama Legsweep

Alabama Legsweep

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(Episode 1-20)—Let me guess, this is a sex move?

173. Tandem Alert

Tandem Alert

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(Episode 5-18)—I’m just going to be real and admit that I don’t know what this is.

172. Olé


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(Episode 2-7)—How…cultural?

171. Scanner


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(Episode 4-5)—I like this hat as much as I like actual scanners.

170. Coin-Operated


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(Episode 2-1)—Perhaps a great way to get free money from unsuspecting strangers, but who knows where they’ll insert it.

169. Ready


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(Episode 2-2)—That’s the spirit.

168. Beef


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(Episode 2-7)—Does he have a problem with someone or does he enjoy cow products? Does he have a problem with cow products?

167. Right Boot

Right Boot

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(Episode 2-7)—If he doesn’t have a hat that says “Left Boot” I just don’t know what to do with myself.

166. Defcon 50

Defcon 50

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(Episode 4-17)—Sounds serious.

165. Phase 3

Phase 3

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(Episode 3-9)—Much better than phases 1 and 2.

164. Tornadic


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(Episode 6-5)—He is pretty twisted.

163. Ammnesia


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(Episode 7-3)—Perhaps he forgot how to spell?

162. Dot Matrix

Dot Matrix

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(Episode 5-17)—Too techy for my liking.

161. Code Breaker

Code Breaker

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(Episode 5-16)—Not something you’d want to advertise on a hat, I would think?

160. Cryptid


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(Episode 6-10)—Frank very well could be a cryptid.

159. Long and Twisted

Long and Twisted

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(Episode 5-1)—iPhone ear buds! Volleyball nets in storage! A python with a sick mind!

158. Reverse Pendulum

Reverse Pendulum

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(Episode 3-14)—Don’t get excited. It’s not physics, it’s a Ping-Pong serve.

157. Speed Glue

Speed Glue

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(Episode 5-8)—Man, this guy loves Ping-Pong.

156. Two Fare Zone

Two Fare Zone

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(Episode 3-13)—He clearly has expensive taste.

155. [Jumbled letters]

[Jumbled letters]

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(Episode 3-11)—Jkgkljw vkja aklj awkjg ak aolnva aoweotu?

154. First Class

First Class

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(Episode 4-6)—Somehow I’m not convinced.

153. Foley Artist

Foley Artist

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(Episode 3-6)—He specializes in human digestion sounds, I bet.

152. Bronx Golf Club

Bronx Golf Club

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(Episode 3-6)—Ironic only because there’s no way Frank plays golf, not because the Bronx doesn’t have a golf course.

151. Kayfabe


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(Episode 2-8)—Mystifying wrestling jargon has no better place than on hats.

150. Long Pips

Long Pips

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(Episode 4-1)—Long pips refer to the style of Ping-Pong paddle some players use to get more topspin, but doesn’t it sound like a venereal disease?

149. Last Shot First

Last Shot First

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(Episode 4-17)—Film school mumbo jumbo, I’m assuming.

148. Under the Bottom

Under the Bottom

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(Episode 4-15)—Sounds low.

147. Harvard


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(Episode 2-8)—This is what Harvard students wear at graduation I heard.

146. Got It

Got It

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(Episode 2-7)—Happens to the best of us. Don’t fret, Frankie.

145. Maintenance Required

Maintenance Required

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(Episode 6-16)—Thank you for the fair warning.

144. Inappropriate


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(Episode 7-8)—Thank you for the fairer warning.

143. Or


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(Episode 2-11)—Or what? TELL ME.

142. [Blank]


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(Episode 3-17)—It’s like he’s naked.

141. Delete


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(Episode 4-11)—For all of life’s mistakes.

140. Pound for Pound

Pound for Pound

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(Episode 4-12)—Heavy.

139. Brain Masala

Brain Masala

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(Episode 7-1)—It’s a delicacy, just like Frank.

138. Busway


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(Episode 4-12)—Subway. Busway. Frank’s way.

137. PG-25


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(Episode 4-8)—I still feel like I was too young to see IT.

136. Soccer


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(Episode 4-10)—Setting means everything with this one.

135. Game Changer

Game Changer

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(Episode 3-17)—I like to imagine all he’s talking about here is that moment while playing video games where you have to stand up, walk over to the console, and put in a new game.

134. Drapes


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(Episode 3-15)—Oh?

133. Drapes Carpet

Drapes Carpet

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(Episode 3-20)—OH.

132. In Training

In Training

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(Episode 4-10)—Potty? Or bra?

131. Done Deal

Done Deal

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(Episode 1-2)—Strong. Commanding. Confident. Am I talking about Frank or his hat? Honestly, you should know the answer to this.

130. Emotional Friend

Emotional Friend

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(Episode 3-12)—Thank you for the warning, I will not bring up my recent breakup around you.

129. Flowers


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(Episode 3-19)—Who says Frank’s not in touch with his feminine side?

128. Laser Disc

Laser Disc

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(Episode 3-16)—Man, remember laser discs? They were like the love child of a vinyl record and and CD. Kitschy but lovable, not unlike Frank.

127. Kung Fu Beech

Kung Fu Beech

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(Episode 1-8)—Beech, as in the tree? Beech, as in a purposeful misspelling of “beach”? Beech, as in a vaguely racist pronunciation of “bitch”? You’re a mystery, Mr. Rossitano.

126. Bigfoot Expert

Bigfoot Expert

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(Episode 1-4)—Big shoes to fill.

125. Semi Legal

Semi Legal

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(Episode 7-4)—Those are the eyes of a man who’s done some fully legal things.

124. All the Way

All the Way

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(Episode 4-15)—He’s a man of commitment, you can see it on his face (or, you know, read it on his hat).

123. Untitled

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