Oprah Wins!

Terrence Howard and Oprah Winfrey in Lee Daniels’ The Butler The Weinstein Company

Thanks to a full-court media press by Oprah Winfrey — and some headline-grabbing Hollywood shenanigans by Harvey Weinstein — Lee Daniels’ The Butler opened with an estimated $25 million this weekend.

It is an especially sweet victory for Winfrey, who is winning wide acclaim for her performance as the long-suffering (and hard-drinking) wife of the White House butler played by Forest Whitaker. Winfrey hasn’t appeared on a movie screen since her devastating experience producing and starring in 1998’s Beloved — the adaptation of Toni Morrison’s Pulitzer Prize-winning novel was so ignored by audiences, Winfrey has said it drove her into a depression. Winfrey did not produce Lee Daniels’ The Butler, but it is nonetheless her first home-run success since she ended the daily daytime talk show that made her a global celebrity to oversee her basic cable network OWN, which has had a very public ratings struggle since it launched in 2011. (Indeed, to boost viewership, Winfrey has had to lean on high-profile interviews, like her news-making sit-down with Lance Armstrong in January, and her interview with Lindsay Lohan airing tonight.)

Lee Daniels’ The Butler’s box office debut also establishes the sweeping historical drama as the first major “awards movie” of the year. With its A grade from the audience polling firm CinemaScore, the film could be well on its way to a long and lucrative run in theaters, similar to other August releases that went on to earn major box office as well as Oscar nods — like The Help, Inglourious Basterds, The Sixth Sense, and The Fugitive. That must sit well with Harvey Weinstein, who waged a bizarre public battle with Warner Bros. over the title to the film that resulted in the new possessive title for director Lee Daniels (Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire, The Paperboy) and a barrage of free press for the movie.

Winfrey and Weinstein’s triumphant efforts to drive audiences to see a movie about an African-American butler at the White House also stand in stark contrast to the other three movies opening this weekend that on paper seemed like better box office prospects: a sequel to a cult favorite comic book adaptation; a biopic of one of the most accomplished, successful, and well-known businessmen of the last 50 years; and a corporate thriller starring Liam Hemsworth, Harrison Ford, and Liam Hemsworth’s abs. Instead, all three suffered humiliating debuts.

To wit:

Kick-Ass 2’s estimated $13.6 million opening weekend could not top the $19.8 million debut of its 2010 predecessor, which itself was seen ultimately as a box office disappointment. Decent home video sales convinced Universal to green-light the sequel, but the buzzy The World’s End opens next weekend and will likely draw away the fanboy audience that Kick-Ass 2 needs to sustain any hope of a healthy box office run.

• The Steve Jobs biopic Jobs opened with $6.7 million, which may give Sony Pictures some pause on Aaron Sorkin’s in-the-works screenplay of Walter Isaacson’s official Steve Jobs biography, Steve Jobs. At the very least, audiences have made clear they are not too interested in a Steve Jobs movie starring Ashton Kutcher.

Paranoia, a corporate espionage thriller, was DOA, coming in 13th place with just $3.5 million, officially the worst wide release debut of the year so far. Poor Liam Hemsworth. Poor, bored Liam Hemsworth.

Here are the estimated top 10 box office figures for Friday to Sunday, courtesy of Box Office Mojo:

1. Lee Daniels’ The Butler* — $25 million
2. We’re the Millers — $17.8 mhillion
3. Elysium — $13.6 million
4. Kick-Ass 2* — $13.57 million
5. Planes — $13.1 million
6. Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters — $8.4 million
7. Jobs — $6.7 million
8. 2 Guns — $5.6 million
9. The Smurfs 2 — $4.6 million
10. The Wolverine — $4.4 million

*Opening weekend

Read more: http://buzzfeed.com/adambvary/lee-daniels-the-butler-oprah-wins-box-office

Lefties unite.

1. Walking into a classroom full of these:

Walking into a classroom full of these:

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trippapparel.com

And having an endless search until you find the HOLY GRAIL:

And having an endless search until you find the HOLY GRAIL:

View this image ›

Via reddit.com

2. These medieval torture devices:

These medieval torture devices:

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Via picgifs.com

3. Mugs don’t care about you.

Mugs don't care about you.

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Via reddit.com

And even when they do no one can read your funny message to them.

And even when they do no one can read your funny message to them.

View this image ›

Via reddit.com

4. Banks don’t care about you.

Banks don't care about you.

View this image ›

5. Ice cream doesn’t care about you.

Ice cream doesn't care about you.

View this image ›

Via oxo.com

6. Can openers exist to cause you pain:

Can openers exist to cause you pain:

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Via reddit.com

7. Video games are unplayable.

Video games are unplayable.

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SONY

8. Upside-down measuring tape.

Upside-down measuring tape.

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Via amazon.com

EVERYTHING IS UPSIDE-DOWN.

9. Spiral notebooks, oooooh spiral notebooks.

Spiral notebooks, oooooh spiral notebooks.

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Via biowiki.ru

Hope you like circle imprints!

10. Having to answer the question “Are you left-handed?” literally every time you use your left hand.

Having to answer the question "Are you left-handed?" literally every time you use your left hand.

View this image ›

Via businessinsider.com

Every. Single. Time.

Every. Single. Time.

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Via boredpanda.com

11. Crossword puzzles will never be readable.

Crossword puzzles will never be readable.

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Via likealaugh.org

12. Upside-down decals.

Upside-down decals.

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thinkbigpromotions.com

13. Binder. BINDERS.

Binder. BINDERS.

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lskimport.net

14. Writing with a pen and having the pen cap slowly unscrew.

Writing with a pen and having the pen cap slowly unscrew.

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colourbox.com

15. If you ever have to fire a weapon, WATCH OUT:

23 Soul-Crushing Problems Only Left-Handed People Understand

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Via reddit.com

16. Cards.

Cards.

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Via f2.thejournal.ie

17. Credit card swiping.

Credit card swiping.

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Via depositaccounts.com

18. The zipper conspiracy.

The zipper conspiracy.

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wordpress.com

WHY IS IT THE WAY IT IS? WHAT ARE ZIPPERS HIDING?

19. Having to find a baseball mitt in gym class.

Having to find a baseball mitt in gym class.

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Via ltc4940.blogspot.com

20. Spending your entire life bumping elbows with righties.

Spending your entire life bumping elbows with righties.

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Via heraldextra.com

21. Getting unnaturally excited when you see a celebrity is a lefty:

Getting unnaturally excited when you see a celebrity is a lefty:

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AP Photo/David Azia

YOU ARE OURS, SCARJO.

Or when you see a cartoon is a lefty:

Or when you see a cartoon is a lefty:

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Disney

THANK YOU, BASED ANNA.

22. Being so much smarter than righties.

23 Soul-Crushing Problems Only Left-Handed People Understand

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Via poetry.rapgenius.com

Shhhhh. Let’s just have something.

23. And, of course:

And, of course:

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Via sublimereddit.aesptux.com

SILVER SURFER HAND.

SILVER SURFER HAND.

View this image ›

Via reddit.com

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

Need more buzz like this in your life? Sign up for the BuzzFeed Today newsletter and prepare to LOL, OMG, and WTF daily!

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Read more: http://buzzfeed.com/daves4/lefties-unite

1. Joe Hill

Twitter Handle: @joe_hill

Twitter Bio: “Author of NOS4A2, HORNS, and HEART-SHAPED BOX. Co-collaborator, with @GR_Comics, on LOCKE & KEY, an ongoing comic. Tumblr: http://joehillsthrills.tumblr.com.”

Why? This follow makes sense, not only because Hill himself is a wildly successful horror writer (do not miss his aforementioned comic book series with artist Gabriel Rodriguez, Locke and Key) but also because he is Stephen King’s son. When in doubt, follow family.

2. Owen King

Via npr.org

Twitter Handle: @OwenKingwriter

Twitter Bio: “Author of the novel Double Feature and other popular favorites. Stories in One Story, Prairie Schooner, etc.”

Why? Owen King, like Joe Hill, is also a writer… and a son of Stephen King. Owen is the youngest of the King progeny, and his debut novel, Double Feature, was released this year (you can listen to him discuss it on NPR here). Second son, second follow.

3. Neil Gaiman

Chris Pizzello/Invision / AP

Twitter Handle: @neilhimself

Twitter Bio: “will eventually grow up and get a real job. Until then, will keep making things up and writing them down.”

Why? Neil Gaiman, like Stephen King, is a masterful writer. He is also a master of something which Stephen is not: Twitter. Perhaps King is looking for some tips… or maybe they’re just friends (in which case I would like a co-written book à la Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett’s Good Omens right away, please and thank you).

4. The New Yorker

Twitter Handle: @NewYorker

Twitter Bio: “The New Yorker is a weekly magazine with a mix of reporting of politics and culture, humor and cartoons, fiction and poetry, and reviews and criticism.”

Why? It’s The New Yorker and he’s Stephen King. They know each
other.

5. Goodreads

Twitter Handle: @goodreads

Twitter Bio: “The largest site for readers and book recommendations. Find new books, recommend books, track your reading, join book clubs, win advanced copies, and much more!”

Why? Stephen King has always been good about interacting with his fans (check out his humorous yet helpful FAQ page on his author website, for example), so it would make sense that he’d start following one of the best (and largest) online books communities around.

6. Kelly Braffet

Twitter Handle: @KellyBraffet

Twitter Bio: “Author of the novel SAVE YOURSELF (available now from Crown Publishing) and constant battler against the chaos.”

Why? Kelly Braffet is a writer, and is married to the aforementioned youngest of the King clan, Owen. You can read Publishers Weekly’s starred review of her recent novel, Save Yourself, here.

7. Laura Miller

Twitter Handle: @magiciansbook

Twitter Bio: “Writer for Salon + NY Times, author of Magician’s Book: Skeptic’s Adventures in Narnia”

Why? Laura Miller, author of The Magician’s Book and queen of all things reading at Salon, kicked up a lil’ controversy earlier this year by defending Stephen King’s well-documented dislike of Stanley Kubrick’s film version of The Shining. Two days later she published a rave review of King’s latest (and sequel to The Shining) Doctor Sleep, rating it “among King’s best books.” A good ally to have, should King find himself in a twitter spat.

8. Margaret Atwood

Imeh Akpanudosen / Getty Images for LA Times

Twitter Handle: @MargaretAtwood

Twitter Bio: “author”

Why? She’s Margaret fucking Atwood. Another master of writing, who is also a master of Twitter. She’s also gotten Stephen King’s sweetest tweet yet:

9. Kurt Sutter

Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

Twitter Handle: @sutterink

Twitter Bio: “Writer, Director of television and film. Creator/EP, Sons of Anarchy.”

Why? Stephen King made a guest appearance in episode three, season three of Sons of Anarchy. His character’s name was “Bachman,” an allusion to King’s pen name, Richard Bachman (more on that here). King wrote a bit about the experience on his site, and obviously had a blast (even if the motorcycle they put him on was, as King put it, “a little tricked-out for my taste.”)

10. Linwood Barclay

Twitter Handle: @linwood_barclay

Twitter Bio: “Crime novelist, ex-columnist, former trailer park operator”

Why? Because Stephen King is a fan. “Where has Linwood Barclay been all my life?” he once wrote in his column for Entertainment Weekly. King would later say, “My idea of a sweet ride is three days of rain, a fridge filled with snacks, and a new Linwood Barclay.” The Twitter bromance between these two could be epic.

11. Mary Karr

Twitter Handle: @marykarrlit

Twitter Bio: “Mary Karr’s memoirs are The Liars’ Club, Cherry, and Lit; her four books of poetry include Sinners Welcome and Viper Rum.”

Why? “I was stunned by Mary Karr’s memoir, The Liars’ Club. Not just by its ferocity, its beauty, and by her delightful grasp of the vernacular — but by its totality — she is a woman who remembers everything about her early years.” That’s a line from the early pages in Stephen King’s incredible book, On Writing. If you’re a writer or aspiring writer and have not yet read On Writing please stop reading this post and go do so now.

12. Reverend Naomi King

Twitter Handle: @revnaomi

Twitter Bio: “Unitarian Universalist teacher, knitter, reader, coffee drinker, lover of life!”

Why? Yes, Reverend Naomi King is Stephen King’s middle child, but she is also a kick ass minister who uses social media to help get out her message of kindness and generosity. A good follow should King find himself balking at the crueler sides of Twitter.

13. Sons of Anarchy

Twitter Handle: @SonsofAnarchy

Twitter Bio: “The official twitter account for SONS OF ANARCHY ON FX.”

Why? As mentioned above, Stephen King has had a guest appearance on the show, but one has to wonder, does this mean “Bachman” might be returning to Charming, CA?

14. Kim Coates

Dan Steinberg/Invision / AP

Twitter Handle: @KimFCoates

Twitter Bio: “I can’t tell you how to succeed… but I can tell you how to fail, by trying to please everyone.”

Why? Kim Coates’ love-to-hate character on Sons of Anarchy, “Tig,” shared the screen with “Bachman” when Stephen King made his guest appearance on the show. The only other actor in the scene was…

15. Katey Sagal

Alberto E. Rodriguez / Getty Images

Twitter Handle: @KateySagal

Twitter Bio: “Actress, wife, mother. Currently playing Gemma on FX’s Sons of Anarchy”

Why? Katy Sagal, along with Kim Coates, shared the screen with Stphen King when he made his cameo on Sons of Anarchy. King wrote that the two actors “treated me like a professional, which I most assuredly am not.”

Read more: http://buzzfeed.com/isaacfitzgerald/the-first-people-stephen-king-followed-on-twitter

Ed-sheeran-macklemore

Ed Sheeran and Macklemore perform at the iHeartRadio Music Festival on Sept. 20 at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas.
Image: Ethan Miller/Getty Images for iHeartMedia

LAS VEGAS — What happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas.

Videocameras descended upon Sin City for the iHeartRadio Music Festival, which was pre-taped over the weekend for its Sept. 29 and 30 broadcast on The CW.

Once televised, the festival will treat viewers with exhilarating performances from radio stalwarts like One Direction, Lorde, Ariana Grande, Calvin Harris and Usher.

Among the most memorable moments: Ed Sheeran teamed up with Macklemore on LGBT anthem “Same Love;” Taylor Swift teased her upcoming album with “Shake It Off;” Nicki Minaj and Iggy Azalea brought rap flavor to the otherwise pop- and rock-heavy event; and Coldplay and Train reminded us why we’re Generation Selfie.

Mashable attended the festival to bring you a sneak peek at what you’ll see. So set your calendars because these are 15 moments you won’t want to miss on TV.

1. Ed Sheeran Duets With Macklemore on ‘Same Love’

Ed Sheeran kept his set simple filling the stage with just himself and his guitar to show off songs from his recent chart-topping sophomore album, X. But unexpectedly, the British crooner brought out Macklemore to tag-team on “Same Love,” the “Thrift Shop” rapper’s LGBT anthem that’s typically performed by Macklemore, Ryan Lewis and Mary Lambert.

2. Coldplay and Train Infuse Their Sets With Seflies

coldplay-selfie

Image: iHeartRadio

What do you do when your audience begs you for a selfie while you’re performing onstage? Well, if you’re Chris Martin of Coldplay or Pat Monahan of Train you grab their phones, grant their wishes and show them how a celebrity selfie is really done.

3. Paramore Lets Young Fan Sing ‘Misery Business’

Hayley Williams of Paramore invited a fan to belt “Misery Business” (see 4:00 mark in the video, above) She gave the fan, Mariah, some solo time to shine before joining her for the head-banging chorus.

4. Taylor Swift Reminds All of Us About ‘1989’

Can you guess what year Taylor Swift was born by just watching that Instagram? Ding, ding, ding. 1989 is correct and it’s also the title of her upcoming pop album. Swift, who opened the entire festival with an impressive medley of hits as “1989” flashed in the background, closed her set with the album’s lead single, “Shake It Off.” Swift also performed a slowed-down, dramatic remix of “Love Story.”

5. Pete Wentz ‘Crowd Surfs’ on Inflatable Raft

Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy surfed amid the crowd inside an inflatable boat, high-fiving fans on his way back to the stage during Steve Aoki’s set.

6. Usher Lights Shoes on Fire With Chris Brown

usher-shoes

Image: iHeartRadio

One way to heat up a dance-off against surprise guest Chris Brown is to light your shoes on fire. That’s what Usher did during their duet of “New Flame.”

7. Nicki Minaj: ‘They Deserve to Be Shitted On’

“Anaconda” rapper Nicki Minaj paused her booty-shaking routing to deliver some words of wisdom: “If you’ve got somebody in your life that don’t want to see you shine, put your number twos in the air ’cause they deserve to be shitted on.”

8. Zac Brown Band Covers ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’

The Zac Brown Band incited one of the biggest sing-a-longs of the weekend with an intriguing cover of Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

9. Steve Aoki Throws Bakery Cake at Fans

Like clockwork, electronic house musician Steve Aoki once again hurled a bakery-style cake at some rowdy fans. No champagne showers this time, though.

10. Alicia Keys Puts Baby Bump on Display

alicia-keys-baby-bump

Usher plays with Alicia Keys’ baby bump at the iHeartRadio Music Festival at the MGM Grand Garden Arena.

When he wasn’t lighting his shoes on fire, Usher was spotted backstage playing with 8-months pregnant Alicia Keys’ baby bump, which graced the stage during her inspiring performance of “We Are Here.”

11. Ariana Grande and Childish Gambino Join Forces

Childish Gambino hopped onstage during Ariana Grande’s set to perform “Break Your Heart Right Back,” their duet that samples Notorious B.I.G.’s “Mo Money Mo Problems” and Diana Ross’ “I’m Coming Out.”

12. Weezer Jams Out With 4-Man Drum Segment

Representing the alternative rock genre, Weezer closed their set with the 1994 classic “Buddy Holly” and a 4-person drum session.

13. Lorde’s Hair Flips Out

Are you OK, Lorde? Just kidding. We know you give it your all with your vocals and free-spirited, manic moves — but apparently your hair has a life of its own, too.

14. Jennifer Lawrence Supports Chris Martin

jennifer-lawrence-iheartradio

Jennifer Lawrence walks backstage at the iHeartRadio Music Festival in Las Vegas.

Image: Mark Davis/Getty Images for iHeartMedia

With dating rumors between Coldplay’s Chris Martin and actress Jennifer Lawrence already aflame, J-Law added some gasoline to the fiery rumors by being spotted backstage the same night night Coldplay performed. Consciously coupled. That’s still unofficial.

15. Ed Sheeran Takes Us Back With ‘No Diggity’

In a soulful mashup, Ed Sheeran smoothly blended his new single “Don’t” with Blackstreet’s “No Diggity” and Chris Brown’s “Loyal.”

BONUS: 24 Musical Tattoos That Strike the Right Chord

Zander Mahaffey scheduled his suicide note to be published via his Tumblr account. Now users are creating posts with #hisnamewaszander to honor his memory.

1. Trans teen Zander Mahaffey, a freshman at South Cobb High School in Austell, GA, died after posting a suicide note on his Tumblr on Sunday, Feb. 15.

2. The note read: “I am a boy, even if the [world] doesn’t see me as one. But I know in my heart I am a boy. I’m 15 years old, I love the internet, I’m an anime weeb, I love video games too.”

In his writing he discussed problems with his mother, experiences with sexual assault, and emotional bullying. The note concludes, “I know there’s going to be people hurt and devastated by this. And I’m so, so, sorry about that. I don’t know what else to say. I’m just so tired, I’m so tired and I just want to go to sleep.”

3. The funeral proceedings and obituary used only Zander’s birth name and female pronouns, prompting a massive response on Tumblr and other social media outlets with people using #hisnamewaszander:

4. Artwork and messages of support are being shared on a memorial blog with the statement: “Rest In Power.”

7. Many messages connect Zander’s death with the recent, and widely publicized, suicide of trans teen Leelah Alcorn.

8. Tumblr users are also reblogging posts from Zander’s original Tumblr blog on which he stated: “My name’s zander. I’m trans and here to win.”

9. The hashtag has been used over 8,000 times on Twitter as well:

If u aren’t prepared to accept your child unconditionally, you don’t deserve that child #HisNameWasZander

— metaIpuppy (@røbin)

#HisNameWasZander another young person lost to transphobia, another person with the wrong name on their headstone. rest in peace.

— cinefck (@audrey)

reading Zander’s suicide note is heartbreaking, i’m trying not to give up on the world, transphobia NEEDS to be recognised #HisNameWasZander

— trashboyjeanbo (@im gay)

how often does transgender suicide has to happen before people acknowledge how bad and big this problem is #HisNameWasZander

— williamspizza (@nick)

Another trans teen suicide. Rest In Power, brother #HisNameWasZander

— J_Manasa (@Josh Lee)

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts or depression there are resources for help:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA): 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Transgender Lifeline (USA): +187 756 588 60

Samaritans (UK): 08457 90 90 90

Suicide Prevention (Aus): 13 11 14

Read more: http://www.buzzfeed.com/skarlan/tumblr-users-honor-the-memory-of-transgender-teen-who-commit

There are a number of weird things about this video, in a which a guy with a thick Appalachian accent proclaims, “This is why you don’t buy an iPad from Wal-Mart.” He and another guy then toss what looks like an iPad box back and forth inside of a stockroom before dropping one on the floor, with a resounding clack. It’s the sole video uploaded by this anonymous account; it almost seems fake. But when I called the Wal-Mart in Pikeville, Kentucky (population 6,903 as of 2010), where the video was allegedly shot, and asked about it, a woman on the other end of the phone simply said, “That’s already been taken care of,” and promptly hung up before I could reply. (One of the commenters on the video, xreturnwthhonorx, said, at approximately 12:05 p.m., “All 3 men have been fired, and must pay for all damaged products.”)

Here’s the thing: Your iPad, your cell phone, your Xbox — your anything — has been treated almost this exact way, no matter where you bought it. Whether it was the UPS guy, or a reckless stockroom employee, your precious has probably been shaken, rattled, rolled, punted, slammed, or all of the above. And it’s fine. That’s precisely what the packaging has been designed to withstand.

For all of the increasingly precise manufacturing that goes into our electronics and the sophistication of the supply chain that delivers them in precise, targeted quantities to Best Buys and Wal-Marts and Amazon, humans are still a fundamental part of getting them into your hands. They get tired and drop things. Or careless, and throw things. That hasn’t changed — and it won’t — and the people designing the carefully molded plastic and recycled paper coffins for your iPad know that. It’s built into the design. It’s why your device is suspended in the middle of a box, comfortably cradled in a plastic tray. Which makes the shrinking packages over the last few years all the more remarkable achievements of engineering and design.

Amazon is perhaps the most functionally brilliant packaging designer around — no surprise, since it’s in the shipping business, and broken wares could cost it a ton of money (given that it just lost money for the quarter, that would be bad). The new Kindle Paperwhite box is a testament to just how good Amazon’s gotten at packaging. When this slim, black geometric shape arrives in the mail, there is no separate box inside, just your new Kindle. Amazon’s built a single box that holds the Kindle and withstands all the brutalities of the postal system.

So throw your iPad box down when you get it. Hurl it at your wall. Play the drums on it. Your iPad is fine, no matter where you bought it.

Read more: http://buzzfeed.com/mattbuchanan/guys-throwing-ipads-in-the-back-of-a-walmart

1. When a Guy mentions something about how much he loves his crazy World of Warcraft life or some other virtual universe, and asks if you play.

Nope, sorry I have human friends thanks.

2. When they mention that their favorite bands are Nickelback and Creed

UGH Vomit

3. Or if he plays in a truly terrible band himself, and forces you to listen.

You play the TRIANGLE. Calm down.

4. When a guys is “dipping” and asks if you want to join.

Yeahhhh nooo I’m ok. Do that when I’m not around.

5. When a guy says he doesn’t think Kristen Wiig is funny

LOL Bye

6. When he is too aggressive and sappy via social media

You know who you are #repost #sharethelove #oneworld #YOLO

#illkillyou

7. When a guy appears to get a different personality when watching sports

Ok, who are you? You realize YOU aren’t on the team… right?

8. When a guy thinks it’s funny to talk like a girl

That ish is NOT CUTE

9. When a guy’s wardrobe consists of lots of Ed Hardy and cargo shorts

WHO told you that was a good idea tho

10. When a guy thinks Harry Potter is stupid

and refuses to quote it/ accept it’s brilliance with you

11. When a guy’s pants are tighter than yours

How did you fit everythingggg in there?

12. They use stupid pick up lines instead of just talking to you.

Seriously some would prefer this.

And you know what, I don’t know if my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard so WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT.

13. If for some reason a guy talks in third person.

Literally punch yourself in the face.

14. If he immediately starts spouting off about his super devout religious beliefs or political views.

It’s totally cool to have those views, but DO NOT shove them down my throat please.

15. When a guy thinks he’s funny, but he’s really just an asshole.

Some assholes are funny, some definitely are not. Especially the ones who THINK they’re funny and ALWAYS go too far.

16. When a guy gets mad when I’m texting guys that aren’t him.

“Who the hell is Johnny?”
“Johnny is my brother you asshole. Sit down.”

17. If a guy is super possessive and creepy.

Protective, YES. (to a degree)
Possessive? HELL NAH.

18. If a guy smells bad… all the time.

If you smell bad after the gym or a long day, fine. If you smell bad every day… nope nope no thank you.

19. When a guy spends more time looking at his phone than me when we’re together.

At least pretend to be interested in me for like an hour?

20. Lastly, if a guy takes and posts selfies that ARE NOT via Snapchat.

Snapchat selfie? Be my guest. Real selfie? See you never.

Guys: Memorize this list
Girls: Don’t worry ladies, your selfie-less dream guy is out there.

Read more: http://buzzfeed.com/katieciabotti/20-dating-deal-breakers-held-by-20-something-girls-b9qr

This headline is a play on words. Enjoy it.

1. Come along with me…

as I play the new levels in the Call of Duty: Ghosts Devastation map pack!

2. PREDATOR ATTACK!!!!!

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=pYHFrMTLNtQ.

The Predator shows up for this one but no signs of Arnold Schwarzenegger or any choppers…

3. I’M ON A BOAT in a video game…

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=wScAN51bxes.

Boatastic! Oh, there’s also a bridge. The boat ran into a bridge and now people are killing each other on it for whatever reason.

4. I’m like the Indiana Jones of video games!

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=vq3DEb71u64.

Let’s stop all this fighting and start doing some archeology!

5. Behemothish

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=U5bYc3eKSbY.

Look! More digging! This time with a giant machine thing because why not?

Read more: http://buzzfeed.com/stephengutowski/call-of-duty-is-devastating-now-5k8e

1. Read a book, seriously Game of Thrones is really long and there’s like 7 books or something….

Edu In Review / Via eduinreview.com

2. You could clean up….. you haven’t washed up in…. a while

Pat is Dead / Via patisdead.wordpress.com

Uggh later maybe

3. You could learn that instrument you always wanted to

Giphy / Via giphy.com

Nah too hard.

4. Learn that language you always wanted to be able to speak

Reginaa Phalange Tumblr / Via reginaa-phalange.tumblr.com

Nailed it!

5. Alcohol!

Summer TIme Shots Tumblr / Via summertimeshots.tumblr.com

6. Try to hook up with someone

Paradie Ciircue Tumblr / Via p-aradiseciircus.tumblr.com

7. Learn to Dance….. Saucily….

8. Get outside! Take the dog for a walk or something!

The Telegraph / Via telegraph.co.uk

Maybe later Fido.

9. You could….. oh sod it, just keep hitting F5!

Klei Entertainment Forums / Via forums.kleientertainment.com

Have faith, new LOL will appear. Eventually.

Read more: http://buzzfeed.com/davethecat/10-things-to-do-when-buzzfeeds-lol-section-isnt-j84t

We’ve all had that pivotal moment in life: A friend introduces you to THE book/movie/band/comic book,and it hits like a ton of pop culture bricks andalters the course of your life forever. For some of you, its the first time someone played youthe Clash, or the first time youread (*cough cough* pretended to read)“Infinite Jest.”

For me, it was the moment a few weeks ago when a friend told me about the dinosaur erotica genre on Amazon.

We were walking past a White Castle in Brooklyn, which seems like as appropriate a spot as any to discuss passionately-penned dino porn. (Most appropriate spot? Well let history decide.)

I dont remember how it came up, and honestly, its not important. The important thing is, now I know. And when I got home, I wondered: Is it possible that dinosaur erotica is just the tip of the bizarrely sensual Amazonian iceberg?

Spoiler alert: I was right. Like, super right.

So now for your reading and stimulatory pleasure, here is a list of some of the weirdest erotica titles on Amazon, along with descriptions, summaries, and my own reviews based on the summaries. (Im on a deadline, so I didnt have time to read all of these. Plus I dont mix business with … pleasure.)

1.“Taken by the T-Rex”by Christie Sims

Apparently, Ms. Christie Sims is an extremely popular and prolific author of “Stegasaurus” and other Triceratops-filled sexual tales — this aint her first T. rex gang bang. Sims has 330 titles on Amazon. 330!!! Who knew there were even that many types of dinosaurs to write about, right?!

No shade — the woman is an inspiration. Do you know how difficult it is not only to identify your calling, but to pursue it successfully? Good for her, I say.

Average customer review: 3.5 stars

The summary: “Drin is her tribes chief huntress; she lives for the thrill of the hunt. Men and sex hold no allure for her, as Drin has never found a partner to satisfy her. When a T-Rex descends upon her village, destroying it, Drin demands that the tribes hunters go in search of the beast and slaughter it. Opting for safety instead of revenge, the tribe moves to a new location, hoping that the big beast wont follow them.

My review based on the summary: 2.5 stars

I know, I know. Alison, you started writing this whole article because of dinosaur erotica. A T. rex running around with a boner is your spirit animal, and youve been telling total strangers that youre going to name your theoretical first-born child Christie Sims, regardless of gender. So why are you giving this book such a low rating?

Well, while I do applaud the attempt at empowered female character development and the extremely tasteful cover art, I have to take away points because its all just a bit too tasteful. The pivotal question — Does she f*ck that dinosaur? — is left completely unanswered.

I mean, yeah, of course she does. But Im a busy lady with busy businessI have to busy at — I dont have time to make inferences when Im trying to pick my dinosaur sex fantasy novels!


2. “Unbearable: Russet Falls Series” by W.H. Vega

Oooooh, an author who only goes by initials! Important! Fancy! Literary! Let’s dive in.

Average customer review: 3.5 stars

The summary:“Whats a girl to do when she finds herself face-to-face with a ferocious bear in the middle of the forest? Gabby never shouldve stumbled off the beaten path but hindsight iswell. And not to mention — She. Hates. Bears. Thank God for Zane, a super sexy park ranger who just happens to be on patrol and comes to Gabbys rescue.

The two immediately butt heads but Gabby cant control the overwhelming urge to let him take what he wants — and he cant deny she is everything he wants. What Zane doesnt tell Gabby is that hes a werebear shifter and second in command of the ruthless Virtus clanbut shes got a few surprises of her own and she wont be easy prey.

When rival bear clans discover Gabby has royal blood running through her veins the hunt is on. She has no choice but to seek Zanes protection. The incredibly sexy, super cocky man who also happens to be a bear What Zane doesnt tell Gabby is that hes the reason she hates bears in the first place — hes the one who killed her father 20 years ago.

My review based on the summary: 1,000,000,000,000.5 stars

Oh. My. God. She. Hates. Bears. I. Love. This. Book. I mean, Im so impressed I wont even take away points for the pun in the title. This description had me on the edge of my seat the whole time. Twists, turns, and twists again! At first I was like, Oh, dang, this isnt a book about a chick who f*cks a bear; its just a book about a chick who f*cks a dude. Womp-womp.

But then, HOLY SH*T, THE DUDE IS A BEAR! A BEAR WHO KILLED HER DAD!!! If you want drama, this bear-sex books got it in loads (of bear jizz).


3.“Sex with My Husbands [sic] Anatomically Correct Robot: The Complete Sex with Robots Collection” by KJ Burkhardt

Another author with just initials for the first name? Ugh. The novelty has already worn off. And between the panic attack that missing apostrophe is giving me and the general lack of imagination of this premise (cmon — sex robots are totally a normal thing in lots of places already, probably), my expectations are pretty low here overall. I will say, however, that the title is hilarious and only gets funnier as it gets longer.

I cant imagine this one will do much for me, but lets see what weve got.

Average customer review:0reviews

The summary:“Angie is an everyday housewife whose loving husband is left paralyzed from the waist down after a horrifying accident. After months of sexual frustration following the terrible accident, she can’t help but seduce a muscular workman while her husband is away at work.

When he finds out, he builds a mechanical man to keep his wife satiated and faithful to him. But the Robot may have a mind of its own as it seeks to please her every fantasy and desire. Will Angie learn to control her urges, or will she succumb to the pleasures of the robot every time she has a dirty thought? Find out in Volume 1 of the Sex With Robot’s [sic] series.”

My review based onthe summary: Blerrrghhhh stars

Man. Zero reviews on Amazon? No one could even be bothered to give it a measly one-star rating! Though, to be fair, that might have something to do with the fact that Amazon currently lists this title as “out of print.”

But I suspect thats just a ploy by the author to offer an initial limited run, making it seem more in-demand, so that it will sell out completely the next time they print new editions. Its a page right out of the Kylie Jenner lip kit playbook (which I assume is a playbook every savvy marketer has read and studied thoroughly, twice).

As for the description itself: Her husband finds out shes having an affair, so he builds her a sex robot with a mind of its own that she can have sex with instead? Isnt that still an affair? Were not talking about a giant, non-sentient dildo here — this is the singularity!

And Angie shouldnt have to learn to control her urges — dump that loser and find somebody who makes you feel alive, Ang! Android or otherwise! Its time to wake up from the Matrix — you deserve better, and so do we readers.


4.“My Woolly Mammoth Boyfriend” by Whitney Fox

A book about a sexy woolly mammoth? How creative and inspired! This one definitely seems promising, but lets take a closer look.

Average customer review: Not yet reviewed

The summary:Nicole, a brilliant and eccentric scientist hasn’t been on a date in over five years, losing [sic] interest in men long ago. It’s not until her best friend Shelly sets her up with a mini Wholly [sic] Mammoth, that Nicole’s heart thaws from it’s [sic] Ice Age, finally feeling love again for the first time in what feels like centuries.

My review based onthe summary: Negative 50 stars

I now realize that I was a bit hasty in basing my review of the summaryof “Sex with My Husbands Anatomically Correct Robot: The Complete Sex with Robots Collection,” largely because the fact that no one else had bothered to rate it. It seems like a lot of these books are in the same situation, so going forward, I wont hold it against any of the others. I appreciate your patience as I continue to learn and grow.

That being said, Im still giving “My Woolly Mammoth Boyfriend” negative 50 stars. For one thing, Im starting to notice theres a gross pattern among these books where the female characters are set up as strong, powerful women, yet theyre somehow incomplete until some man(slash dinosaur slash bear slash robot slash wooly mammoth) comes along. Yuck.
These are strong, independent women! They dont need some man (slash dinosaur slash bear slash robot slash wooly mammoth)!

Also: There are a lot of typos in this review — I mean, they got the woolly in wooly mammoth wrong. Seriously? Its right there in the title! Come on!

Also also: I have a friend named Shelly as well, which could have made me more inclined to understand the mindset of the main character, but instead just made me think about how the Shelly in my life has never bothered to set me up with a creature from the Pleistocene epoch. I guess were not as close as I thought.


5.“Cum for Bigfoot” by Virginia Wade

Im a little confused by this title. Is it a command? Is it about cum thats being madefor Bigfoot? Is it a weird play on “Flowers for Algernon”? Whatever it is, I find it a little crass, to be honest. Lets see if the summarycan change my mind.

Average customer review: 3.3 stars

The summary:“On a weeklong outing in Mt. Hood National Forest, what begins as a flirty, fun-filled trip soon turns into a nightmare, when an ape-like creature kidnaps a group of teen girls with the purpose of procreating with them. Thus begins the erotic adventure of a lifetime, and an inconceivable love story between a young woman and her horny Sasquatch.

My review based on the summary: Uncertain stars

OK, at first I was ready to dismiss this book completely, because I was a little skeeved out by what basically sounds like underage teen Sasquatch torture porn, but then I thought: Is it possible that “Cum for Bigfoot” is actually an allegory about how difficult it is for women, especially young women, to be taken seriously when reporting a sexual assault? Stay with me on this.

Maybe Bigfoot represents rape — because too many people dont believe its real. And if thats the message that “Cum for Bigfoot” is trying to get across, then well done, Ms. Wade.

If not, then this book sucks and I give it *armpit fart noise* stars.

Read more: http://elitedaily.com/humor/dinosaur-sex-erotica-fetishes-on-amazon/1377150/