Nothing against Princess Peach, but she’s sort of useless.
She’s mostly helpless and rarely shows initiative when captured, instead sitting around and waiting for Mario to come save her ass.
In the past 28 years she’s been kidnapped by Bowser at least a dozen times. Maybe it’s time for Mario to realize Peach and Bowser secretly have a thing going and bounce.
Here’s 12 ideas for who Mario should date next.
1. Samus Aran (Metroid Series)
Samus is much more headstrong and independent than Peach, plus she and Mario could bond about space travel together.
2. Princess Daisy (Mario series)
Luigi might have a thing for her, but he’s had plenty of time to make a move and hasn’t. Like Peach, she’s royalty, but she’s more cheerful and sassy than her pink counterpart.
3. Jill Valentine (Resident Evil series)
Jill might be a little too… intense for Mario, but maybe that’s exactly what he needs after being attached to boring Peach for so long.
4. Lara Croft (Tomb Raider series)
5. Chun-Li (Street Fighter series)
If Bowser ever tried to kidnap Chun-Li, she’d probably Lightning Kick him to death. Are you taking notes, Peach?
6. Tetra (Legend of Zelda series)
Tetra is a plucky pirate girl who’d have no problem keeping up with Mario. Plus, she turns out to be (spoiler!) an incarnation of Zelda, so she’s got the same royal status as Peach.
7. Lina (Yume Kōjō: Doki Doki Panic)
As a kid everyone chose Peach in Super Mario Bros. 2 because she could fly. Thing is, that wasn’t really Peach. The original Japanese version of the game was called Yume Kōjō: Doki Doki Panic and the floating girl was a badass chick named Lina.
8. Rosalina (Mario series)
Rosalina is wise and caring, and her hair is a million times cuter than Peach’s. She’s also an immortal sorceress, which is fun.
9. Marle (Chrono Trigger)
Another princess, Marle is adventurous and fearless. Plus she’s blonde like Peach, in case Mario wants to do a little weird role playing.
10. Birdo (Mario series)
OK, so Birdo isn’t human and might not even be a girl, and she might already be dating Yoshi, but that shouldn’t stop Mario. Pink dinosaur-things who spit eggs need love too.
11. Wendy O. Koopa (Mario series)
If Mario has a thing for bald turtle chicks, Wendy might be right up his alley. What better way to get back at Bowser than to date his only daughter?
12. Sonic the Hedgehog
Hey, who says Mario is only into ladies? Pairing him up with Sega’s most popular mascot would lead to the greatest power couple in gaming history. ’90s Nintendo kids could finally settle their decades-long feud with Genesis kids.